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Wednesday, as I sit to talk, I know a lot goes on in my life and yet a lot is coming.

The unbecoming is giving way to the becoming of my self.

I had to live 25 years in chaos and confusion to understand each and every point that I talk about in this book and in other books of the series.

What fears did I leave behind?

1. Noone wants me here.
2. I feel like a waste.
3. I might die alone by the roadside with noone to cry over my body.
4. I stand lonely with people mocking, jeering, and laughing at my poor state.
5. I am a woman, how much more can I take and still keep standing?
6. What will I do with my future?
7. I earn so less and I have nothing good to hold and say, “yes, this made my life.”
8. Should I believe in my Gods, will they not ditch me?
9. Gods are continuously allowing the world to hurt me and force me and yet they sit tight and ask me to fight. Do they think I can fight or do they not care?
10. I have to protect what I stand for? To do so, can I pick up all the art forms and facts and rise up to join the small group working day in and out to bring the next world?

Fighting these fears was like immersing myself into a never ending powerful current of life.

Yes I am alone but at least I don’t have to look up at my favorite person and think if he is conniving behind my back, if he is ditching me, if he is going to be there when I really need people.

I learnt being alone. I was lonely once and I let myself remain lonely to the point where it stopped hurting me anymore. That’s how I became alone and alone I am.

Everyday some beings are dying. Some of them we eat, we tear their flesh to pieces till in the end nothing remains.

While on a trip to the town, I came across a powerful imagery.

I want to share that with you.

There was a goat that was killed and it’s spasms were still on, it was bleeding and the butcher was watching with greedy eyes for it to end. A coldness we might meet at war.

There was another smaller goat. When the other dying goat stopped shaking, and the body went still that small one knelt on its front limbs and closed its eyes facing the east. I am not sure if I can ever eat mutton since this image I know is going to be stuck to my brain forever.

Now if they can die so easily without even struggling much I don’t see why humans entertain the thought of death so massively. As though it’s some big thing when they are part of the plunder everyday and I also fail to see how trying to save the humans they love and the murder or killing of other species seem different to people. Death is no different, it comes to all in the same way.

I know the small goat prayed for the mother or the father, prayed that when it was her then she should have the courage to bear the pain of seeing others feast on its flesh while all it has to do is leave.

Knowing that humans were designed to help create a harmonious world, knowing what humans spread is disharmony, and knowing humans were a greedy species who worry about none but their own self the most – such sacrifice, can a human make? No, we fight, we call it genocide. What we do with animals and plants is never termed as one.

Death is then not important since the soul is what needs to escape and once that happens the body is only flesh with no power to feel pain.

I am a woman with a mind and a voice. I can curse, use slang like an expert, hurt back if someone tries cheap tricks, hurl abuses, and above all see and voice the truth that even men don’t try doing here since all we are trying to do is live this small life.

When people mock I don’t care.

When some people wore suppressed smiles on my book launch perhaps thinking within themselves “how can she write a book she claims to be a change, or ohh! My God, look at her, smelly, unkempt and a book launch, how on earth did people even sign her up.” I felt nothing for myself and neither did these thoughts penetrate my hippocampus, they never became painful memories they became just memories that I could recount to create a good discussion.

The jeering didn’t tear me down, it build me up to a deaf frog.

I learnt from God’s that there is no future, what we merely witness is a time lapse and that time lapse takes the shape of memories in our hippocampus, amygdala and so on.

The fact that animals don’t have a well defined hippocampus means they don’t live in a future or a past and it means they live as long as they have and in ways that matter. They don’t need to form memories since the time lapse synaptic  slashing is absent in them.

Now, men call them inferior beings since they don’t have the ability to make memories. But instead, men need to know what we have is a flaw of our existence against the backdrop of a fictional force that’s abound everywhere trying to stop us from living forever.

They are perfecter and hence they take our tantrums just like we take our children’s tantrums. We will not kill our children even when they come to kill us.

Don’t they do the same thing to us, don’t they show the same kind of patience and mercy and we still plunder them, still stand on two feet calling us a superior being establishing it like some moron?

I earn less and that’s a fact which can only be slowly achieved. Earning less and earning more are two sides of the same coin.

Gods have not stopped the world from hurting me since I realised later that I knew about a man’s true form only when they gave up their guards and revealed their true self to me. Had I not seen that face which animals see day in and day out, don’t you think I would have had been the same human I so much abhor being.

I had to struggle hard, the body turns weak but then we need to find a way to move on.

Join me in this endeavor and someday you may start knowing yourself just like that.

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