Why do I feel so repugnant

Sometimes we get through different situations. We come through a situation and then we feel we cannot do something any longer.

We leave and we turn back.

We get back where we want to be.

Then we start again.

Then comes a phase where we will feel like we are not being allowed to move forward by somebody.

A resistance and a cycle activates.

In my case the cycle is about sicknesses.

I did well in school with great difficulty and in my home someone would fall sick at times when I had my exams.

I topped my basic college degrees and my mother fell sick and I couldn’t move further in my studies.

It seemed like someone didn’t want us to move forward.

Again I took up an ordinary job, did well, got some good and not so good people. I felt bad, sometimes good and many times felt cheated.

Again, I felt sickness mounting over my head.

I kept running to hospitals. Whatever we earned went into hospitals.

Next, things were not working out and we turned back, thought of doing something different and then again diseases and hurdles.

Why often I feel that as though something does not like us, something wants us down.

Is it humans?

Is it Gods?

Is it people’s web?

When noone can take their wealth with them, why do we often have to suffer under something?

It is not just us who suffer.

Even Gods and demons too have stories where they are made to suffer immensely.

Gods like Ram, Krishna, Jesus, Buddha and great kings like Ravan have losses they could not compensate for in life.

People say to rise above obstacles.

I was always given two choices- save the people you love or sacrifice yourself for those you love.

Couldn’t there be a scenario where I could have had two choices- keep the people you love and even save yourself, have a life.

Why can’t I have my father, mother and sister without health problems for a while, why can’t I have memories that can span a time frame with people I love, why is struggle so important in my life, why is it so essential for people to keep us in fear, why is it so important that people listen to our perpetrators and not to us, what are my perpetrators giving them for the favor or are they scared of our perpetrators too? Why can someone be bad to us, why can someone lie about us and why can’t we have some justice for the truths we have, for the denials we face, for the craftiness we encounter?

My perpetrators talk bad about us.

Recently the help of our home did not help my mother. When asked she said she did not hear my mother’s voice who stands at 68, weak with age long issues and diseases. She said her mother was put on saline. Why was my mother’s anger unjustified when she could get angry at being questioned about it. My mother is an old woman, after all people are not doing us a favor by allowing us to stay in states where we don’t belong.. we pay to stay mostly like anybody else, why are we ostracised and if we are why can’t we talk about it.

The very next day to this event, my sister fell sick with light fever, ear pain and mild stomach disorder.

My father’s reports came a bit on the worrying side. Does it indicate my mother’s expectations from a young woman (our helper) to help her with her market bags was a wrong expectation?

Does it indicate that her shouting and getting angry at my mother was not the wrong step? If that is the case then why don’t I always receive the same favor as an employee? Why then the balls turn?

What abuses of the world make a person get this preference and what rewards make a person stand here where the game and the ball twists for everyone exc

Most of the Indian states have 371 and those that don’t have are full of indigenous tribes and the slightest provocation they would go bloody around us. Why is it like this, why can’t we breathe freely..why can’t we live here when what we fight for is not caste, creed or color but basic human principles. Why should our stance get twisted in the crowd? Why should we live with our heads down?

Why is others pain such a widely accepted entertainment source for others?

Why is someone’s death before the death of another a metric of one’s karma.

Why is sickness a widely prevalent way to suppress people? Why do the sick need to feel down and down always?

Having a life does not mean going by the norm.

Having a life does not mean not standing up for something.

There was a small land of my ancestors and the person trying to build on it wanted to share with us a small amount and also wanted our names to be in the maintenance segment.

I stood up and showed the error which the man promised to correct.

I began facing hurdles….some official works got scrupulous but finally with a lot of phone calls and repeated requests people showed mercy upon us.

If people don’t behave well with us and twist the plots taking advantage of someone’s simplicity, understanding it and standing against it, is it not something we should do.

My father’s father had some lands but he died and my grandmother said his brothers poisoned him.

People said she was mad but I looked into her eyes when she said that my grandfather was still warm when they took him to burn.

Even my great grandfather was murdered and his body was never found.

People from the village propagated lies since everyone ate out of my grandfather’s dead flesh like carrions… Soon the lies became true. A lie told a thousand times becomes a truth in no time and there was no one to defend my poor grandfather who is still quiet, looks out of his photo mutely.

My maternal family criticises their own father for leaving them behind as paupers. If you are a refugee in some land how much can you do while running away from another country.

The riots of Bangladesh and half of the family died in the hands of Muslim perpetrators.

The man who brought them to Chowmuni shipyard was killed right in front of them and yet they dared to live in a new land among strangers. He too was a Muslim. But he rose above all and others who were his brothers killed him.

After showing so much strength, trying to make an honest living, how can we blame our grandparents behind their back. Had my grandfather’s family fought him in the face for what they did not have, it would make sense. Here too my uncle and aunts listened to their uncle and aunts and villains abound in our families, so it seems.

I want to know something, if you have money, someone uses your money and gives you a share of it as you are growing up, would you call that taking care?

Or would taking care be when you have nothing and someone gives you his share and helps you stand.

My father had money, people used it, fooled a 21 year old innocent lad and gave him a bit of it till he turned 40.

For the next 33 years we got nothing, not even the jaggery they made for themselves, the ghee and butter they made from my father’s money.

Now people from the family try to place people behind us, bribe our housemaids and play into people’s ears to make our lives tough.

They have tried staying small, cried over nifty affairs and kept feeding on us. They grew slowly and have an army now and we stand alone.

Is it what justice looks like, how much do we lose more or is it to break the cycle, all these sufferings?

It’s like people try to force themselves upon us, call up one fine day to tell us they are sick and sad and alone. They expect us to embrace them back. They want us to free them of their deeds by embracing them back. Are they doing the same to us when we are in need of mercy?

Why is it that only we have to be merciful, we have to be forgiving, we have to live humbly without raising our voice or head or else people will chop us down in no time?

We won’t do what others did to us, we don’t need their badness nor their goodness, neutrality is all we need, help, a kind word is all we need

But when it came to my relatives they never helped us, ran away, avoided us, told stories about us, lived through veils around us.

They now come back, don’t know why and we have been forced to live alone all this while. How do we embrace them now? Aren’t they supposed to be strangers to us?

Some colleagues were not good to me, learned from my relatives, touched the same pain points and laughed in mirth at our tears.

Is it that when something wants us down we should lie low and down forever.

Why do we have to scream our truth out and why is it not heard, why do we need to feel as though we are targets here, why do people have to be jealous about us, why do we have to be subjected to people’s craziness?

Share your thoughts on how you feel things are around you in the mail.

Is it how we should think. I open upto the world. If the world stands I believe in it and if it stands mute we too fall mutely.

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